I have been in a relationship for over two years, including all ons and offs, and ups and downs. I have tried to make myself a more wholesome person, and not let the damage from my broken family affect my relationship. I fell for her by accident, I wasnt looking for love, but it happened. And it was great. These days, my actions seem to reflect my damage, looking for solace. Whenever this happens, things are just out of wack, and maybe i get to clingy, or expect too much. My relationship isnt normal at all, I have hidden it from my family, and she has hidden it from most of her’s. Its difficult to see each other sometimes, and the longer we spend apart, the more clingy i become, and the more distant she is? Thats weird, am i right? The GUY gets clingy…i mean really? Regardless, its happened, and i think its happening now. Honestly, I just want to see my girl, who I havent spent much time with in awhile. If we are lucky, we have a few hours a week. I work full time, and she is a full time college student, so we are always busy. Anyways, I just miss her, a lot. But more than anything, I miss stability, and the unconditional love i felt from her. She gave me that, even when my family didnt. And sometimes, i need that too, but anyways….enough of these random tangents. I need to learn to get out there again. I know she is loyal, but she is talking to a guy who has made it clear his intentions are solely for friendship, and hangs with a group of people who communicate by flirting. It just makes me feel left out and unwanted, so I need to stop being such a goody good boyfriend and treat her fairly.
If you don’t reblog this,you like don’t have a heart. This is terrible and we need it to stop!
that is fucking terrible. =/
ALWAYS.
If someone has the audacity to harm an innocent human being, especially a child, that person is an absolute monster….
(Source: silassssss)
Trust and loyalty, two things I consider very important. Upon meeting me, you would think that I do not find it difficult to trust people, but that is far from true. When I meet someone, I assign to them a measure of how much information about me that I am willing to tell them. If I become close to someone, friend or otherwise, I slowly reveal more about myself to them as time goes on. However, if I feel as though I have been betrayed in that trust, I shut down for awhile, as is my instinct. Where I come from, you look out for your people, family and friends, and watch their back. These actions must be consistent, otherwise I find myself slowly putting up walls to combat it. If its someone I care deeply about, then I let it go, and allow for second, third, and fourth chances. Then i pray that these people revert back, or change for the better, because if they don’t, then i feel broken inside.
Pain, a state in which i live in. Emotional, and physical pain. I have been hurt and wounded by family, and wounded by those I care about. I found solace in a relationship that I have, or had, right now that is too high up in the air. But maybe that was a mistake. I put too much of myself into the relationship, relying on that one person way too much. Thats a mistake I look to correct, and i sincerely mean that. I’m merely a fool in love, questioning out of insecurity, how much I am loved back.
This past month or so has been rough, and I have heard and accepted the apology, but that doesn’t make it something I have forgotten. I know she cares, she cares a lot. Why can’t i see it though, in the moment, when its happening? Im just trying to make sense of everything thats happened. Maybe when she is actually showing that she cares, I look for more, and am disappointed when it isn’t there. Or maybe the complication of the situation, the “sort of” break up. I’m hanging on by a thread, wondering whether I am being jerked around or not.
She say’s she is confused, I believe her, and respect the right not to know what she wants. I am damn proud of her for taking steps towards changing herself for the better. Its truly admirable.
You know what, no matter what happens here I know I’ll be okay. I’ll figure something out. But i do love her, and i do care. Hopefully one day we will be able to figure something out.
I have been fighting all 12 round taking body shots. One after the other, the blows are relentless, but I am trying to keep my arms up and defend myself as best as possible. Fighting back is futile, last time I threw a hook I ended up taking a head shot. All I can do is take hits till i fall to the ground, or forfeit this match. Love…for the game, its whats preventing me from giving up. But the game is treating me like shit, has been for too long. Hit me one more time, I dare you. Because the next time you do, I am throwing the white flag and stepping out of the ring for good. Hanging up my gloves and my heart, till the bruises and bones heal, till I am able to box again.
Today, my Texts and Contexts teacher brought up the topic of love. There are six main words in the Greek language that mean love, but all of them have a slightly different usage and meaning. There is a word for true love, lustful love, a friendly love, an obsession type of love, a brotherly kind of love and an unconditional type of love. She also said to us, that the feeling of being “in love” was an up and down feeling. That people will be “in love” for anywhere between six months and two years, then it will fizzle a bit, and problems may occur. But if the couple is able to work out the problems and kinks, then the feeling of being truly in love comes back, stronger than ever.
I found these concepts interesting, but I have no clue what to believe anymore.
I am an avid lover of NCIS, I see Gibbs as almost that perfect father figure that i have lacked throughout a significant portion of my life. Maybe that is messed up, and maybe it shows that I’m just a screwed up person. Whatever the case, i remember him writing down on a piece of paper, rule number 51, “Sometimes, you’re wrong.”
Being wrong isn’t such a horrible thing. We are humans, and we all make mistakes. Its what we do with these mistakes that define who we are as people. Being open to change, well it makes you a better human being. I am far from perfect, I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, and while those mistakes do not define who I am, it helps me realize who I want to be.
It takes courage to change, and fear is merely an obstacle. Do what you’re afraid to do, and spit on that fear. Own the fear, so it can no longer own you.
So right now i should be studying, but there is too much on my mind to really focus. I have been wondering for the past few weeks, are people blind, or deaf? Some people around me have absolutely no idea whats in front of them until they are scared of losing it, or have actually lost it. The issue I have with these people is that they trust you implicitly (or so i hope), and you do everything to help them, and watch their back. Turns out, not all of those people are willing or able to do the same for you. I don’t know if they suffer from some sort of affliction, like thickskull disease, or if they just don’t care, or if they are simply too preoccupied with their own lives that they forget to appreciate what actually matters. I have been seeing a lot of that lately, not just in my own life, but in other people’s lives. How does a man leave his wife for a leisurely trip to London after her father just passed away? How does a son abandon his family with a sick parent? It sickens me to no end to see such (for lack of a more appropriate word) jackasses act like this and expect no one to be hurt. In my opinion, these people need their eyes opened.
Every great being has questioned the world around him, and each person’s experiences begs him to ask different questions. Questions are not always meant to devalue or mock a topic, but to comprehend them more thoroughly. I try to question everything that merits discussion, but the things i find myself pondering the most about are love, religion, death, poverty, and happiness.
How do i approach these topics? Should I act as though I am a scientist, and disregard emotion? Or should I follow my heart, and hope it leads me to enlightenment. Notice I didn’t use the word truth, because none of us know the real truth, nor will any of us ever know it. It is all about finding a solution you can peacefully live with, a solution that will calm the internal turmoil that we all feel.
For all who question all aspects of life.
